Tales of a Broken Heart

Sometimes we write because of what we know. Sometimes we write because of how we feel. Sometimes we write to let off steam. Today I write because of all three.

So, many mixed emotions went through me last night. Some emotions I can't even explain. The first emotion was that of confusing and curiosity. Confused as to what was going on, and curious as what did happen. After I found out, I was sent into a whirlwind of sadness and heartbreak. It stirred up so many emotions from 6 weeks ago, that I have been slowly trying to suppress. My great grandmother died on December 23, 2009; two days before one of the most family-centered holidays. Before anyone questions it, yes, my great grandmother and I were very close. She basically became my 2nd grandmother after my actual grandmother died May 2nd, 1999 to Ovarian Cancer and my grandmother and I were even closer. My parents divorced when I was 4, and my grandmother raised me after that. I was 13 when my grandmother died, 25 days from turning 14. I was still trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in, an emotionally unstable teenager. It was on a Sunday and I remember they called us back to her bedroom, but I couldn't make myself do it. I sat in the recliner numb. I knew her time had passed when I heard tears, and I justified my actions by getting in the shower and bawling my eyes out. I went to school the next day, emotionless. For the next week I didn't talk to anyone, barely my friends. I was silent, a walking zombie. A week after it happened I was in a restaurant with my mom and had a nervous breakdown. I was screaming, crying, flaying around every limb on my body while I was carried out of the building. To this day I still think of her and our memories and times we had together. I say an extra prayer on May 2nd and June 11th (her birthday). I would be a liar, if I told you I wasn't crying while writing this, because any time I talk about it, it brings up so many emotions in me. The day my great-grandmother died was just the same, except on Dec. 23rd, we had to go up to the hospital and make the decision as a family to pull the plug. It was heart wrenching. Christmas just wasn't the same this year. Everyone put on fake smiles for everyone, but deep down we were all hurting. We had her funeral the day after Christmas, another somber event.

But, on Christmas Day, I received one little message, one little tweet on twitter that made me smile, made me think someone cared. Granted, at the time he didn't know, but do I feel like it was fate... maybe? Do I feel like God was reaching out, and something clicked making him choose me... yes. I feel like someone upstairs was looking for a way to lift my spirits and that is what happened. And it did exactly that. I am sure so many people freaked out, and had their 5 second teenie moment... I went to my room and cried. I curled up under my covers and just cried to let out more emotion. He now knows how much that tweet meant to me, we had a moment over it. A moment that I will hold in my heart and cherish it deeply.

And now sitting here in my room, listening to Sigur Ros' Takk... album, I want nothing more than to help him the way he helped me. And I honestly think that is hurting me more than anything else. But, at the same time, him, his family, and loved ones need peace. I wanted nothing more to be left alone with my thoughts when I was going through everything. It's warming to know people are there for you, but you need that moment to understand, to collect your thoughts and emotions, and to just be. Be with the people that you love, be with your emotions, just be. And I feel like twitter is going about all of this all wrong. People need to say their condolences, and move on. Repeatedly tweeting the same thing is a) annoying, and b) stirs up the same emotions over and over and over. And trying to make something a trending topic is just as worse, because yes as sweet as it may be, it's still gaining victory over something so tragic. Because are you really sending out prayers or are you just saying it because others are? And the people that are the worse are the people that keep yelling at everyone else on twitter, trying to tell them what to do. Mostly, because people are going to do what they want, but it makes the person yelling look like an idiot, because that is all they are doing is yelling. If you want to be respectful and you want him to know you care, just say something simple and let it go. Don't tweet it again, don't yell at people for everyone to see, don't make something a trending topic, just say something and let it be. From experience, that is just what I would want. I can't speak for him or for anyone else for that matter, but I know that is what I wanted.

If you read all this, I thank you. If I brought up some harbored emotions of a loved one, I did not mean do to that and I apologize. And if I triggered other emotions, I didn't mean to do that either. I am just stating how I feel and what I know.

My deepest and sincerest condolences go out to him and his family. I miss him way too much and wish I could be there for him. :(

Much Love,

Cara